The Dark Pages
by Ricky Roo
Summary: If Severus Snape had kept a diary during Harry’s first year at Hogwarts, these are the words he would have written. Discover all of his frustrations, his suspicions, and even his intimate desires.
1. October 31

_October 31st_

_If that ridiculous beast of Hagrid's is still alive after this is all over with, I swear I'll knock it off its paws and transform it into a termite so I can crush it under my foot! Damn that… Fluffy, is it? Good God, what a despicable name! A despicable name for a despicable creature! If that stupid dog had known which one of us was there to challenge it, it would have been that damned Quirrell that had a bit taken out of him, not me! _

_To hell with it anyway. What's done is done. I can't even fathom what makes Quirrell think he could have made it any farther than that beast. His little stunt has really stirred up some suspicion among the teachers. If Dumbledore didn't know it before, he certainly knows it now that someone is out to get the stone._

_If I had the mind to get past that trap door it would only have been too simple. It's what follows the trap door that will turn a man inside out. The guard dog is only a mortal beast and I wouldn't have hesitated to put him out of his mortal misery. Any fool stupid enough to try and steal the stone knows that!_

_And yet Headmaster Dumbledore insists the beast stands guard… probably only to scare the students away. God knows they're dumb enough and nosy enough to try and find out what really lies beyond the third floor corridor._

_Well, I hope their curiosity finds them a way into the Hospital Wing. I certainly found my way there quickly enough and I knew that overgrown beast would be waiting for me on the other side of that door with three mouthfuls of razor sharp teeth. None of those foolish children take danger seriously enough. I heard them giggling and snickering at their tables after Dumbledore's warning at the beginning of the year. They all thought he was joking! They think it's a game to go snooping around the castle at night to peek behind locked doors and adventure down forbidden corridors._

_Once they trespass through that door they won't have a clue what's in store for them until it bites them in the arse! At least I knew what I was getting myself into when I went to head off that dim-witted imbecile. Even wizards as powerful as myself still slip up once in a while. I let that beast get a piece of me. How the hell are you supposed to watch all three heads at once?_

_Those foolish students would be lucky to get out of there alive and in one piece. I for one don't think they should be so lucky. Serves them right for thinking rules are only made to be broken!_

_As for Potter and his little friends, he can't possibly imagine how lucky he is to still be alive. That mountain troll could have crushed them in less time than it would take for that damned dog to rip them apart. I don't believe that Miss Granger seriously thinks she's powerful or educated enough to bring it down on her own. It drives me mad to admit it, but she's more clever than that. No, there's more to it than what she led us to believe. I know it! Perhaps she needs a moment alone in a room with Fluffy to teach her that the jaws of death don't bargain with books and cleverness._

_It's a horrible thing to wish on a child, but I'm a horrible man, a dangerous man and I'm capable of doing horrible, dangerous things. That dunderhead Quirrell can only imagine the things I'll do to him if I ever find him near that trap door again. What makes him think he stands a chance at making it anywhere near the stone? He's a nervous wreck! He nearly wet himself at the mere sight of the troll in the girls' lavatory. The young lass in the Hospital Wing would stand a better chance at getting to the stone than he would. She told me her name. It's Jessica. _

_Jessica the nurse? Jessica the Muggle? Jessica the Squib? I don't know what the hell she is, but she certainly isn't of any use up there. If anything I'm in more pain now that I was before I met her. And she thought I'd let her get away with poking at me with a needle and thread! Where the hell did she come from? I've never seen her around here before. I know I'd remember a face like that if I saw it. Who could forget a pair of green eyes like those?_

_I won't deny it, she's a pretty lass. Beautiful, really… and practically the only woman around here capable of turning my head. Jessica, Jessica, Jessica… so aggravating, yet so beautiful. It's been a long time since I've ever felt attracted to anyone and I'm not so sure I like the idea of being lured by such a stunning pair of emerald green eyes. I can do without having the flesh of a woman at my side because I can do without the attention and companionship they desire. I'm not one for conversation and I'm certainly not the one for love and affection. There's only one reason I'd ever let her get away with asking me to take my pants off again. However, I'm not willing to take the risk. A woman like her will only drive me deeper into madness._

If this is the first time you have read any of my fanfics, you're not going to be familiar with Jessica's character. She is a prominent character in my fanfic called Journey to Passion. She will be mentioned in every 'journal entry' to come, so I encourage you to first read Journey to Passion before continuing. It will be complete as soon as I add the final chapter, and I'm sure you'll enjoy it! Thanks! ~ Lara


	2. November 2

_November 2nd_

_I didn't think it would be so soon after Halloween that Quirrell would be back to his idiotic tricks again. He's much thicker than I thought. At this rate Headmaster Dumbledore will have him discovered by Christmas! Luckily I have the dunderhead at a loss. The bloke is terrified of me. Sure he's turned into a babbling idiot this year, but I don't buy his act. Something far more dangerous than I did this to him. He may think the majority of people will buy into his poor stuttering, but not me. I've got my eye on him and he knows it. Dumbledore's got his eye on him, too. However, something tells me Dumbledore knows I'm on to Quirrell's pathetic little act. I've got the useless bloke in a corner now. Dumbledore knows it'll be me who discovers what Quirrell's up to and stops him from making a terrible mistake._

His attack on Harry today cost him dearly. How stupid is that man?!? He figures that right in front of the entire school - during a Quidditch match nonetheless - is the best time to attack one of the students. And Harry Potter for Christ sake! That boy's life is more sacred around here than anyone else's. It's ridiculous, but I'm not going to argue against Dumbledore over a silly scar. After all, it is a miracle that boy survived Voldemort's attack. I wouldn't have saved him today if I didn't believe there's more to that boy than meets the eye. I can't stand him, but I won't let that be a reason to let Quirrell or anyone else have their way with him. His father was an arrogant fool and he'll probably grow to be one, too. To hell with both of them. After Mr. Potter's seven years at Hogwarts are over I relieve myself of my duty to protect him. If it be that he can't follow rules and finds himself out of Hogwarts before then, all the better. There's no place for supercilious fools at Hogwarts.

_The same could go for arrogant, sarcastic nurses. I ran into Jessica again today. Or rather, she quite literally ran into me. She was the last person I expected to see wandering around the dungeons. I don't know what the hell she was doing down here to begin with, but it certainly wasn't to have a pleasant look around._

She _was the only pleasant thing to see in that desolate corridor. Our unexpected collision forced me to touch her, to smell her and to hold her for one brief moment. It was all too perfect for my own good. One taste of her rich, moist kiss would ruin me. I know it. The more I see her, the more I want her. She's by far the wrong woman to desire. I can feel her power and that's why I did what I did._

_I could perhaps tolerate her company if all I had to do was look at her beneath me and listen only to her voice whispering my name. She has a beautiful voice, but an awful cheek.  No one has ever spoken to me like she did today. She's fearless. Fearless, but awfully sensitive. She couldn't handle my bitter integrity. I meant every word I said to her. She is arrogant and awfully meddlesome. And to think only moments before I lashed out at her she wanted to come with me to my quarters to talk. To talk! There's nothing she and I have in common that we could discuss. Nothing! She surly would not have enjoyed spending an afternoon with me._

_If I did let her join me in my quarters this afternoon it would not have been for friendly conversation. There's only one reason I would ever let her step past that door into my chambers. Perhaps I would have made a pass at her if she weren't the Headmaster's grandniece. Bloody hell, that would feel as immoral as slaying a unicorn for a sip of blood._

_It's a good thing I don't need the pleasure that badly. Pity, I'd have actually enjoyed it. She's a beauty and she felt so good when my hand touched her body. Even though I only held her for a moment when I caught her, that moment was long enough to convince me that she'd turn an otherwise miserable and uneventful night into something completely filling and satisfying. If she didn't speak a word the entire time but only moaned my name it would be perfect, which is why it will never happen. The lass never shuts her gob._

_Besides her excessive need for conversation__there's another thing that will inevitably keep us from ever coming together, and that's her sensitivity. She practically turned to tears when I told her to bugger off. If she can't handle me telling her to leave after a short dialogue then how the hell would she handle being told to leave after she'd satisfied me?_

Jessica would never settle for a man like me anyway. She said it herself on Halloween that I'm infamous and – in her eyes – irresponsible. As far as she's concerned I'm nothing more than a vile brute.

_As much as I fancy the idea of having her in my bed, I couldn't bare having to face Dumbledore after having done so. I know he'd find out and I _don't_ want him to become involved with my personal affairs._

_Regardless, he may still have words for me in the morning. I nearly left Jessica in the pits of the dungeons today in complete solitude. There's no doubt in my mind she went straight to his office to tell him what a horrible man I am. There's no argument there, but he knows I know she's his grandniece. Jessica's a part of him and I never would have disrespected him the way I disrespected her today._

_Damn it all! I've got to set things straight. I don't need her whining every time she can't handle a little bit of truth or independence. I'll talk to her in the morning. God knows I could use one more look into those staggering eyes._


	3. November 3

_November 3rd_

_Ridiculous!_

_That girl is the essence of pride and vanity. She can deny it all she likes, but I can see right through her. And to think I just about fell for her._

_I knew I shouldn't have tried talking to her. What happened today just goes to prove that apologies are ineffective and preposterous! I never would have thought to apologize if it weren't for the fact that she's the Headmaster's grandniece. How could such a thing have intimidated me? Damn her! Damn her… alluring beauty!_

_Of course, I can't hold myself completely responsible for wanting a girl like Jessica Van Eden. Her enchanting beauty cannot be compared to the essence of beauty itself. All else pales in comparison to her divine visage. I'll not live long enough to see another pair of eyes quite like hers. I'll never be ensnared by the dazzling splendour of another woman as long as I live. Her appeal has a magic all its own._

_Damn it all. She's done to me what no woman has ever been able to do to me before. She's bewitched me. She's given me every reason to never want to see her again, and yet, my longing to have her in my arms and in my bed for eternity grows stronger. The power of one single kiss enthralled me. My entire body ached endlessly with a need to hold her, and once it happened… I can't even begin to explain how it pained me._

_The bloody lass punched me!_

_After the way she kissed me it was the last thing I expected. I could feel her hands touching my face and stroking through my hair when she kissed me – which she did so willingly. As a matter of fact, she took me quite by surprise when she closed her eyes and reached out for me. I've allowed very few women to kiss me. A kiss is something I've never desired before setting my eyes on Jessica's full, crimson lips. No woman has ever kissed me like she did. She was warm, she was enchanting, and by God I wanted more._

_Her kiss has a unique power. Everything about the touch of her warm lips was perfect. She was soft, sweet and she completely mesmerized me. And then she punched me. Bloody hell._

_I've no time for her foolish games. There are much more important things that require my attention. While suspicions lurk around the castle, I cannot afford to sit around and be toyed with Jessica's random need for amusement. She is at my disposal; it's not the other way around. _

_I'd have actually been humiliated if she hadn't been so naïve about it all, pretending like it had all been my fault. In the end I think it was she who felt the humiliation. I left her with a fine decision to make. I'd given her one last chance to sort her feelings out. If she decides that the kiss she gave me was real I'll be here awaiting another. But, if she stands by that childish manner I saw this afternoon, she'll never see me again._

_Grandniece of the Headmaster or not, Jessica Van Eden will not make a fool out of me. I won't allow such nonsense. _


	4. November 7

November 7 

It's been four days now since Jessica and I had spoken in the gardens. Four days since she'd kissed me, four days since I've been able to hold her in my hands, and four days since I've been able to look right into those bedazzling emerald eyes. Since then I've only been able to spot her from a distance. Not quite strong enough to hold back, yet determined enough to stand by my word, I've found myself up at the Hospital Wing doors twice now to catch a glimpse of her. Once before I'd not made it so far. Determined to walk right in there and take her by the hand and lead her straight back to my quarters, I stopped and realized how foolish such an idea was. She'd not have obliged. Forcing her to do so would only have proved disastrous. Instead, I thought to make an appearance, look at her, speak to her, and perhaps take back –

Bloody Merlin! I'll not make that mistake again! I'll not make an apology of any kind. So, instead I stood where I could not be seen and just imagined what could do and what would happen in a perfect world. Standing there by the door, hiding in my own shadow I've been able to remind myself why I bother with this foolishness.

I've got to have her.

I'd warned her not to cross my path, not until she's decided precisely what our kiss had meant to her. A part of her wanted it and a part of her didn't. I can't say I blame her for not ever wanting to feel my lips upon hers again, but as the days go on I find myself wanting her more and more. This has gone on long enough. I'd take back what I said about staying away from me if it meant I could see her face to face again. Continuing to peer in through a cracked door like a lost, lovesick puppy is completely harebrained. I won't resort to such silliness again.

I was angry with her at the time. Very angry, and all for letting me savour her bittersweet kiss for only a moment and then taking it all away and insisting that by doing so was inappropriate… on my part!

She tried to make a fool of me. The way she behaved seemed as if I'd poisoned her mouth with my touch. Well, perhaps she's right. As deadly as my lips may be, they're no more venomous than hers. Her kiss has polluted me with a poison I've never known before now.

It's a smouldering passion.

My passion is to have her… to hold her… to take her.

I will myself to pretend that she is there with me in my bed. It seems like an awfully immoral and juvenile thing to do – but for the love of Merlin – she feels so good! In my dreams alone my hands reach out to touch her flesh and caress every inch of her creamy white skin. I can almost hear her soft wisps and whispers beside me as my mouth strokes upon her and mounds over her breasts. Her hands curl up in my hair again and her body squeezes tight against mine as I sink into the depths of her liquid heat.

My reckless, sleepless nights are entirely due to this poison she's spread through my veins. I'll not sleep again until I can properly have her. I can't even close my eyes at night without seeing her. 

In her bare flesh, she is even more beautiful.


	5. November 9

November 9th 

If someone had told me this morning that today Jessica would hear me say that I love her, I'd have down right not believed it. In fact, I'd have turned such a man into a scrawny alley cat and have him thrown at that flea-bitten, three-headed mutt, Fluffy for a spot of lunch.

_Such rubbish! I'm NOT in love with her and if for some bizarre reason I thought I was, she certainly wouldn't hear those words slip off my tongue. Not even my own Veritaserum could drag those words out of my mouth._

_Love is nothing more than a fool's excuse for attention. Although I do fancy her - she's a rare beauty, how could I not? - I'll never love her. I'll never love anyone. I'll curse whatever power forced those words out of my mouth. I'll never be manipulated like that again. For her to hear me say such things to her will only break her heart in the long run. Those tears she cried today assure me of that. If it's love she wants, she's got the wrong man. I can't give her that, I can only give her my attention long enough to please and satisfy the cravings our bodies have for each other. If that isn't all she wants, then it was wrong for me to have led her to believe that we ought to be spending time with one another. I don't think I'll be able to handle being near her so often and not be able to have her. But are the touch of her hand and the sweet taste of her kiss not worth anything if I can't embrace her intimately as well?_

_Damn it! How did this happen to me? I'm Severus Snape for God's sake! I'm the cruel, heartless monster of the wizarding world. At least that's what they say – and they certainly ought to. There's no room in my heart for love and affection. I haven't got the slightest desire to love Jessica, yet I haven't got the courage to walk away from her. I tried very hard today to walk away from her, but she called my name and drew me back. I couldn't bring myself to part from those emerald eyes. She looked at me, took my hand and invited me to kiss her. No man in the world could walk away from such an ardent invitation._

_This morning I never would have thought she'd give me another chance to hold her in my arms, but she did and I wrapped my arms tight around her and did what any man would do._

_I kissed her._


	6. November 10

November 10 

The taste of Jessica's long awaited kiss still lingers on my lips. Only a few moments ago I had her wrapped in my arms, my cloak enveloping us both in warmth and comfort. Oh, for the love of Merlin! Why did I let her go? Why did I let her say 'goodnight' and walk away?

_She could be here with me now… still in my arms… in my bed… beneath me… whispering into my ear… begging me to make love to her._

_The very thought of touching my hands to her breasts and caressing her soft, naked flesh makes even my blood boil as it never has before. As thick as it is, warmth penetrates my skin and melts me from the inside out just thinking about having her body wrapped around mine._

_Great Merlin, I can't wait much longer. Each time I touch her, see her and even think about her my body aches for release. She knows it, too. She's a bloody empath. An empath!_

_She can sense every single soul-deep desire I've ever had for her. She knows how desperately I want and need her. Learning that she has this scarce ability floods me with ferocity me as much as it amuses me._

_She may be able to sense every thought that passes through my mind, but it's the same for everyone else. In time I'll be able to use her intuitive senses. She's a wandless sorceress waiting to make herself a legend. All she needs is someone to help her climb the ladder to power. It's no wonder the Dark Lord wants to get his filthy hands on her again. Her protection from the Dark Lord is quite imperative. Jessica cannot be absorbed into the sort of power he seeks._

_Perhaps that is why the Headmaster is so anxious for me to court her. It's a request I would never have brought up under normal circumstances, but there's nothing normal about Jessica at all. She's a unique treasure, and one that I intend to keep. I stand a very little chance of getting bored with her. As of today she is my responsibility, my possession, and very soon she'll be my lover. I'll not let another man hold or touch her as I have. Never._

_I used to think that I was undeserving to be matched with any close relative of the legendary Albus Dumbledore, but now that I really consider the possibilities, there is no one who more deserves the touch of my hand and a kiss from my lips. All of the other women who have had the pleasure, I made them beg for it. They were all so pitiful. Ridiculous actually. Silly, desperate wenches, hardly worthy of something as simple as a kiss. I've touched my lips to very few others before, and those how have had the pleasure have only experienced the most savage of kisses._

_All except Jessica._

_I've never kissed anyone so tenderly before. By Merlin, it was incredible. My lips will long for her all night. My aching body will yearn for her intimate touch until the moment comes where I have her here beneath me._

_Our union will be unlike any other. I hunger for her dearly, desperate to touch every inch of her, to taste it all, and to ultimately claim what is already mine._

_She's decided that her heart and her destiny will lie in my hands. What she may not yet realize is that I'll not let either slip through my fingers. It won't be easy, I'm sure. She's a bloody stubborn little lass, but she hasn't yet seen the breadth of Severus Snape. I'm not only stubborn and persuasive, but in control and deathly dangerous. She can't possibly imagine how secure she is under my control. As long as I live, she'll not be in danger._


	7. November 11

November 11th 

Late last night after I'd fallen asleep Jessica came to my quarters. The panic I heard in her voice startled me. I could see it in her eyes, too. She was terrified and she'd been badly injured.

She told me it had been Voldemort that slashed her, and I don't mean to say that I don't believe her, but he's been absent from our world for over a decade now. I saw the fresh blood with my own eyes and I think it's practically impossible to believe that something so near death could have the power to do such a terrible thing to her. She said he wasn't real, that it was just a hallucination, but even ghosts are incapable of causing bodily harm. I'm not sure what to believe, but I have no doubt that Jessica believes it was Voldemort's shadow that attacked her. It certainly wasn't her imagination. There was nothing imaginary about those wounds I cared for. I saw how much pain she was in and I ached for her.

_There was something else that tortured her. She showed me the most unusual Dark Mark. Nonetheless, it was authentic. After seeing such a mark, I made the mistake of suspecting she had come to Hogwarts as a spy much like I am. It seemed fitting to believe that Hagrid's stupid mutt had attacked her. The claw marks on her back looked very much like they could match a giant paw. Of course, I was wrong._

_If Jessica were a spy or anything of the sort, Headmaster Dumbledore would surely know of it. After all, she is his grandniece. She's also the daughter and granddaughter of two renowned witches. Although she has a Death Eater's blood flowing through her veins, she's no supporter of the Dark Lord. She fears the Dark Arts above all else. She's in danger and that's why she's been brought here. Dumbledore can do all he likes to protect her, but I've called upon myself to take responsibility for her. I know that I can help her, and I know she wants me to help her. She came to me last night and I'm awfully relieved that she did. I'd have been furious if I'd found out another way what had happened to her._

_I know it will be difficult, but I'm going to protect her from now on. If need be, I'll cradle her in my arms every night. I can't bear to see her in pain. If I knew what had done that to her I wouldn't hesitate to destroy it. She's been through enough already, I'm sure of it. She doesn't deserve to be tortured like that. She deserves so much more, perhaps even more than I can ever give her. Jessica deserves someone who can love her unconditionally. I will not be that man._

_No. I can't be that man. I don't want to be that man. But I want _her_! I want Jessica. I want her so badly it pained me that I couldn't take her last night._

_It seems so foolish, but mustering the power it took to resist her last night came as easily as looking forward to the craze of Valentine's Day. I've made a lot of hard choices in my life, and refraining last night was one of the hardest._

_The power of her kiss and the feel of my hands on her soft, bare skin was so overwhelming I nearly erupted._

_Dammed!_

_I wanted to hold her body against mine. I wanted to feel her naked breasts pressed against my chest. I wanted to wrap my hands around her, to feel her, to taste her. I don't think she'd have stopped me if I had._

_Bloody Merlin!_

_Alas, if I had touched her so intimately I'd have not been able to keep myself from taking her then and there. As much as my body ached to feel her naked body embraced around me it'd not have been right. She was already in enough pain. It'd have been awfully cruel and selfish of me to cause her even more pain._

_She more or less admitted that no man has ever touched her before, at least not like that. As beautiful and invigorating as she is, Jessica is still a virgin. I will, however, see an end to that – soon._

_Not long after we awoke this morning Jessica's hands found way to the very scar I've concealed for a very long time. Perhaps a part of me is glad she'd seen it. I don't know that she knew exactly what had given me such a scar, but it didn't appear to frighten her. She of all people should understand what it's like to hide a part of who we are from the world._

_I doubt that many people know of her ability to transform into a deadly snake and to speak to such reptiles as well. Both are rare gifts and the combination of both is far rarer. I can only think of one other who possesses both abilities. To think that Jessica could have anything to do with such a man makes even my skin crawl, although I can't rule out the possibility. She IS the flesh and blood of a loyal Death Eater and I would very much like to know which one._

_At the same time he brought pain and agony to Espiranza Van Eden and many of her close friends and family, he brought Jessica into our world. They've become grateful for the girl who has become a part of their lives. I too have begun to appreciate Jessica. Today I realized how dearly important she is to me. Thanks to a clumsy, brainless Gryffindor I nearly lost her today. A chandelier nearly crushed her and would have if I hadn't gotten her out of the way in the nick of time. I'd never felt so frightened before in my life._

_Damn this all!_

_Is this what they call love? Bloody hell. I knew I should have walked away from her when I had the chance. It's too late now. Now, I want her so badly I can't imagine every walking away from her. If I lose Jessica now…_

_Damned._


End file.
